Doomsday

Welcome back, I've missed y'all.

So I'm not going to get into the plethora of reasons I've not written in awhile, and I'm not promising a regular blog full of random verbal vomit, but I do have something on my mind that I need to write out to make sense of it.

We have all been blessed with so much. And I do mean all of you as well. If you're reading this you've obviously got Internet access, the ability to see, the ability to read, and you're alive. That's a lot more than many of people in the world, even here in the good ol' US of A. I personally also have a lot more to be thankful for. Regardless of the trivial problems I've had in my life, its been a very easy one. I've obviously never gone hungry ::insert your favorite fat jokes here:: I've never had to sleep on the street. I've never really feared for my life (not counting the times my life was at risk because of teenage stupidity). I've never been truly alone or unloved. And I'm not trying to say that I'm ungrateful for any of these things, but I can't help but feel like disaster is standing outside my door.

I don't care if you believe in God, karma, the universe, human nature, or whatever. But everyone believes in something that attributes to cause and effect. What I mean is, with the exception of serial killers, we all hold to some type of belief that we should do good and be good and good things will come. If we do bad, bad things will happen, unless of course you're rich or famous then you can do all the bad stuff you want. Personally I believe in God. I believe he is all knowing, all powerful, and everything I have in my life comes from him. I believe he loves everyone equally, even if they don't love him back. I try to be a good person, I try to be appreciative of everything I'm given, I try to share with those in need and be loving and kind to all people, regardless of their religion, politics, or favorite sports teams. So what I can't figure out is why I constantly have this semi subconscious concern that something bad is going to happen to me, and it will be my fault.

Generally I don't subscribe to the philosophy that bad things happen ONLY to those that deserve them. No child ever deserves to suffer for any reason, ever. People aren't killed by drunk drivers or murders because they didn't tip a waitress. Floods, earthquakes, fires, and other natural disasters don't happen because someone stole from a collection plate. Bad things happen in this world that have no earthly explanation, and that's just the way it is. However, my feeling of imminent doom has a haunting aura of personal responsibility. It's a sense that I'm responsible for whatever may come, and only I have the power to prevent it. I just don't know what more I'm supposed to do or if there is really anything lurking my way.

Maybe its part of being a parent. My biggest fear is always something happening to one of my girls. And hopefully it's just a little paranoia mixing in with the other mental ailments I am collecting. Or maybe it's all the shows I've been watching on Netflix lately where the characters are in hopeless situations (Jericho, Day Break, Skyline). Maybe its a subconscious realization that no matter how many birthday wishes I make, I'll never win the lottery. Perhaps it may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato....

After proof reading this I've got a sneaking suspicious many of you are going to want to have me admitted into a psych ward. I wouldn't blame you, but good luck catching me. I just wanted to get all these thoughts out on virtual paper to help me work through them. So feel free to provide constructive comments, loving jabs, or bitchy remarks. Either way this is more for me than you so I'm sorry if you leave feeling unsatisfied, as long as you leave.

KG